Today, we headed up to China Peak to ski (I skied, they snowboarded). I was excited and a little bit nervous because its been like 20 years since I was last on skis, but I was ready to give it a try. I bundled up and was ready to hit the mountain. We took it slow at first and Jeremy has learned how to love me best when I am trying things that are hard for me. On the enneagram, I am a 3, which is the achiever. On strengths quest, my number 1 is the achiever. If you are noticing a trend, it is that I like to achieve and I like to do well at things. When things do not come easy or I don’t do them well, it is a personal thing in my mind. It goes from I am learning this to, “Did Jeremy want a wife who could ski? Am i just getting too old? I should never have tried this anyways? I am probably annoying everyone on the mountain” etc. It slips into this crazy spiral where learning skiing means that my character is in question. (How this makes sense, I do not know).
I began to notice these thoughts in my mind as we were going on the chair lift for our second time around. Round 1 went okay. It took me 3 hours to get down the mountain. I was afraid. I did not trust my equipment. I did not realize that “pizza”position on skis only stops you on the bunny slopes. I felt out of control. One time I just cried and said, “Why is everything so hard for me?”. Jeremy is good at these words with me now. He knows to not reach too far into them but to not ignore them. He knows to gently push me and to add a little humor.
I got back up and made it down the mountain and decided I should go again. Then when I got on the chair lift that is when I realized all of those thoughts in my mind about being a failure. I had to actual focus on turning off voices. This time around, I got down the mountain in 40 minutes! I picked up the speed, I tried stopping without pizza and working to trust myself more. I felt proud and empowered, even though I am pretty sure I was the worst skier on the mountain.
Some days, our successes are not what the world will see as a success. Some days, our success is when we have to pick ourselves up and put ourselves back together. It is when we push ourselves, even when our body seems to be telling us not to. It’s a success when we drop the expectation and allow ourselves to have a little fun and laugh and be thankful that our bodies can do what it does, because one day it won’t. Maybe that day I didn’t go off a jump or break a speed record and do what others would say made a success that day, but to me, winning that silent battle inside my mind where I got up and hit the slopes again, that made it all worth it.
I left there saying I could not wait to do it again.
Now I am off to ice my sore booty haha!